Nobody dislikes Russians quite as much as Russians.

  Holiday plans, the people I’m talking to have had it with this winter that just won’t quit and are looking to get a week somewhere sunny and cheap. Turkey I suggest: it’s close and you don’t need a visa if you are Russian. But apparently it’s no good because it’s full of Russians. Egypt is worse, no amount of blazing sun and glorious azure seas can compensate for the fact that there are loads of Russians there. Italy is more expensive of course, but is much loved and admired here: many Russians are even learning Italian in recent years.  So I suggest that. But the problem with Russians going to Italy is that it means there are Russians in Italy, and if there are Russians in Italy that means Russians are less keen on going to Italy.

 When I raise this paradox I am told that it’s those other Russians, you know the ones. But I don’t, so they have to dance with words for 10 minutes before I get that they mean provincial Russians. Non Muscovites: ach the horror is unimaginable.

 Go outside of Moscow and meet these other Russians and they will tell you all about the Thieving, snobbish, entitled, arrogant Muscovites. When I used to travel with my wife to cities outside of the capitol people always reacted warmly to the fact that I was English and then went all cold when they found out she was from Moscow.

  I’ve travelled to Europe and Turkey and have come across various Russians there without ever thinking them loud and obnoxious: quite the opposite in truth. But I do know that when I watch a European football competition I always find everyone’s fans charming except for England’s: those bright orange Dutch guys and Swedish girls with yellow and blue painted all over their faces, they seem grand. The English always look ugly and ready for a fight, to me at least: the Russians I watch it with don’t see that at all. So maybe it’s just that same thing going on: we dislike what reminds us of the worst part of ourselves, or of what suggests how we might look to those sophisticated Italians.

  I suggest Somalia next, but that doesn’t work either, even though I am told there are very few Russians there.