Assaulting an officer of the "law"

I seldom have any dealings with the cops: I don’t have any desire to enter their world, and on the very rare occasions when one addresses me I become a non Russian speaking idiot and they, bewildered, leave me in peace.

My daughter, who was about 6 when she tried to murder a policeman for the first time, is less cautious than I. We were on Trubnaya Square on a summer’s day, playing with a football. Ksusha only has one skill with a football and it is a rugby style drop kick of astonishing power for a little girl. Anytime she tries anything else she falls over, but when she runs at you with the ball in her hands, throws it into the air and readies herself to kick the shit out of it as it descends, you cover your face as though you were in the wall with Roberto Carlos taking the run up for a free kick. Being proud of this random and entirely useless skill I have encouraged her for years, and on Trubnaya Square that day it all came together perfectly.

  There was a meeting there, Neo Nazis I think, they had red and black flags with some kind of three legged cross on them and were dressed in ill fitting uniforms. Most of them were young men, not particularly intimidating young men either; you couldn’t see them making much of a go of invading the Sudetenland, and with them were one or two older guys making speeches through a crackly megaphone. As usual with demonstrations the police presence was absurdly large and, having pushed all the baby Nazis into a corner of the square, beside a busy road, they largely left them to it and gathered in groups around the square enjoying the sunshine and smoking. There were dozens of real people doing the same.

  Ksusha belted the ball hither and thither, while my son and I discussed Nazis and I didn’t see when one of the cops caught the ball she had kicked. I only saw him, a young man, walking towards her smiling and making to throw it back to her. I could have warned him maybe, but the desire not to interact with cops is strong here and, after so long here, it is strong in me too.

   So he got within a couple of meters of her and threw the ball up in the air for her to catch. But she didn’t catch it; I could see right away what she was going to do: he had set her up perfectly for a dropkick that would win the Rugby world cup, or would have done were his smiling face not between her right foot and eternal glory. So as it came down she twatted it with all her might, right into that smiling face. And it came sharp, really sharp, so that his head flew back and he let out an involuntary howl of pain and shock before staggering backwards with his hands clutched to his wounded countenance.

I ran up to grab her, but she was already off chasing the rebound and giggling  insanely, as, soon enough were the other cops, and all the real people too, and the neo Nazis, especially the one with the megaphone: he really enjoyed it. And everybody kept laughing, some even offering up scattered applause, so that the victim of this senseless assault had nothing to do but join in and accept my apology with good grace.